I talked to hubby last night until 2 am about what the presenter said and the overall seminar and can I say it was just a necessary, rewarding, emotional, heavy conversation. I felt like I was in a counseling session and wish i had a way to record it because I think its something I would like to revisit and listen to later:).
Can I say its amazing to be with someone who has the Godly wisdom and knack and love of helping others and knows me so well while I start to figure things out--he is a tremendous help.
In a nutshell, J said I know my purpose and I'm like I don't if I knew it I wouldn't be searching for it. He said had I ever thought that Ive been searching for years but in the wrong way. You don't need to keep working a thing for years that is not producing any result. I'm like but then i would be giving up...one day it will produce something. We talk about that and he gave an example of how I didn't recognize him as the love of my life and gave examples and asked the question of why was that. My answer was the risk what if I was wrong, what if it didn't last. That's not how i imagine the love of my life would come (in the form of my best friend). He said that I'm looking for my purpose in a particular way so I wouldn't recognize it when i see it. I wholeheartedly agree I'm looking for a beam of light to shine down and ahhh its my purpose. Its my that's it moment and he said I was already trying to pre define it.
He asked me some more questions and I said, "I don't know." He said do you know you have been telling me that since i know you. You do know. You just don't trust yourself. I said that's not true I don't say I don't know alot anymore. He said you've said it at least 5X since we've been talking and then say well its more this. You're better at recognizing and masking your I don't know but isn't that int resting your first response is I don't know. You go back to the comfort of I don't know you. Why don't you trust yourself? Because I'm most likely wrong. He says that attitude sets the tone.
He also said that my purpose is what has already been here since he knew me. Art & Psychology (it was a light bulb moment). He continued to say I love people fiercely, I'm nonjudgmental which is rare and I'm an encourager. The art is something that was with me since I was young and I laid it down for a time. In turn I laid myself down. So why isn't that my purpose. So I said because I'm not excellent in either of those two areas and i feel like your passion you have to be.
As we talked I realized and he told me my inadequacy was deeper than I thought . I don't feel deserving enough, worthy enough, capable enough to do this. I'm like why would you want me and "my brand" when someone else is better and most likely better suited. J said right there I sell myself short, right there it shows my self esteem is dismal. It's not about anyone else but its about being the best me I can be. This isn't about competition..there will always be different "brands" to choose from but if someone is coming to me they are coming because they want what I am offering. Now if the packaging needs to be different to reach out to people that something different (he gave an analogy of books on the shelf and the appeal to different people and if one isn't selling maybe its the cover art or something else).
He said God made me uniquely and beautifully and its about perfecting myself and not falling away because of someone else. He also made a good point about my art. My art inspired me.. i felt alive when it was in a vacuum (sure it was an escapism at first) but later became a love and I just didn't realize the extent but then I went to high school and i saw how the talent ranged with these other students. Some of them I wondered did they start drawing in their momma's womb. lol! So I said I'm not as good as them so I'm laying this down. Of course at this point I'm in tears well actually throughout this 3 to 4 hr convo I'm in tears..better crying..I'm a mess! There's so much truth to what he is saying. So he said I'm going to ask you again what is your purpose if you didn't have to think of skill level and I said to encourage, empower, and inspire people through art. It would be a blend of the women's group I have and journaling but with artistic materials instead of a pen. Something similar to a class i saw last year at the women's center that I wanted to try that spoke to me deeply. No artistic experience necessary. He said see you just told me your purpose. was that so hard. So I was crying and blowing my nose. No it actually isn't. It actually makes perfect sense. He reminded me of my beautiful qualities and reminded me that I'm still that little girl who doesn't think she's enough because that's what I grew up thinking. It makes sense now about the old story in the women's group and in this seminar. I am identifying with an old story of me for years (and hadn't realized it. It's taken me 11 years to realize whats been here all along. This also ties into the message of Joel I was listening too that I'm going to take notes on and post but God made us all in different models and they all are good. They fit a specific purpose.
With J's helping there was a realization that I'm leading a type of nightmarish existence in the way that I'm not truly being me...the full extent of me. Maybe three years ago I cant remember exactly the year right now but I felt exhilarated. I was on my way to my ideal size, I was spiritually sound, going to the church I love, in love, best friends a girl could have (distanced myself from my dead weight people) traveled for the first time (when I took my first cruise with Jackie and had one of the best time exploring,para sailing, meeting new people,) joined meetup and went horseback riding and going away for a weekend with people i didn't know, meeting new people and laughing (good hearty laughs), loved my rewarding job. Overall having a wonderful time in life.In essence, I need to let the full Steph live! I feel like the extent of who I am comes out in my friendships and at work in the type of service I give (someone said a compliment that stuck with me for years they said: i have a knack of giving this exemplary service and assistance in a way that makes someone feel special like they are the only one that gets this service and they realize I make everyone feel special. How awesome and rare that is), Ha! Maybe this compliment has stayed with me because that's my brand!
After this conversation I would think I felt freedom because the looming question of purpose was found .Instead of heavily laden. This was a heavy topic! There are things i need to work on internally so i guess the speaker was right in terms of repression. Also the wonderful thing about this line of convo is through our time together J and I always have these heart to heart and I walk away with stuff to think about or that's good but this is the first time I felt a convo (he was doing most of the talking and advising yes but when he hit a truth I expounded on). It was good and nourishing to my soul. I wish I could take a mental health day today because I need it. Welp, its 10: 17 am and I'm no where remotely ready for work. Let me get out of here.
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