Time....

I cant believe its July 12th..so much has changed since the last time I wrote. My mother in law has passed during my time away which is why I haven't written and nothing will be the same again in our family or us as individuals. I'm finding it hard to write right now because my normal habits don't feel so normal anymore. There's alot of anger, confusion, and lack of trust resonating in me and all i want to do is lay my head in God's lap and let him feel me up with his goodness but i need distance..... I'm not ready yet. My faith has been rocked to an extreme point and i know it will make me stronger in the end but this is where I am now.

I will say its good to be back in NYC. Its wonderful to be in my home...i missed it so. But the one place that i noticed the shift that ive been away is my office. The calendar still had May 13th as the last day marked off (interestingly enough that was the last day that would be normal as we know it..celebrating Robin's bday...J talking to his mom) before we get a call the next day that would unknowingly change us and keep time standing still for weeks on end. I continue to look around my office and look at my bamboo plant in my vase and I see that they are yellow and dead and leaning. When i left they were vibrant and growing. Hmmm...feels just like me & my family. I dont mean to sound so down cause im not....its just recognition of how things can quickly change and allowing myself to be honest of where I am.